Arwa lhenyavér yaquésa...

YAY for me.

We all know what I have been through the past 3 months. I've been through pain, hardships, scares, paranoia, you name it! And now I have accomplished something with my life and have gotten over all those hardships, mended my fences with people, and I am starting over, fresh and new. But now I'm in a tight spot. I have met someone who, for the first time since I've gotten here, has made me feel important and worth something. Until I left, I had Ethan and was the light of my life. Now that we are broken up, he still is because he is one of two best friends to me. He is still influential. But I have found someone who can do that for me here. And no one seems to care that my life is looking up. After all that I have been through I can finally say, "I'm happy." Isn't that worth something? Isn't that atleast worth an "I'm glad, Nate."? It's likes my problems are gone and now everyone else's problems emerge. I don't understand why my group of friends can't have a problem free day. I guess I'm just seeing things in a different light and from a new perspective since I started counseling (which is over by the way =D.) This may sound selfish, but I have come to realize that nothing in life is that bad as long as there are people there to stand behind you. Life isn't about the bad things, it's about seeing what good there is and harnessing it. Why dwell on bad things when there is so much out there to see and hear? We are all on a quest to find that which makes us complete. That is the point to life. It doesn't happen fast, it won't fall into your lap. It takes time. That is why we are alloted many years of life: to give us time to search. If we don't try to make something of our lives, then what is the purpose to existence? We exist to think and pursue life. If life were only about the little, minute things, nothing would ever be accomplished. And sometimes we must listen to what our heart tells us to do rather than our mind. All who know me know that I am a firm believer in logic. But there are times when you must put logic aside and do what you want. Do what your heart tells you to do. Everybody nowadays wants everything now and perfect, without any work. I have learned that to obtain the things you want, you need to do it yourself. It is always good to have people standing behind you to catch you if you fall, "but why do we fall? TO learn to pick ourselves up again." It's so true. Mistakes are always a part of life and that is what makes life life. Life is never perfect, nor should it be. We all strive to be perfect in the eyes of others or to be liked by others and we shouldn't. Acceptance is important but it can never be at stake of losing who you are. I want those around me to be happy about what they have in life and to understand how fortunate they are to be in such good hands. I want to spread my happiness with those around me because there is no reason to be sad. Because no matter what happens, there is always tomorrow.

Rethinking my relationships.

I'm single. But I'll write later.

So it's Tuesday and we all know what that means! Counseling at Varner. It's been really helping me out. Except for all the stuff that continues to pile on top of me. I've found out that I really am a private person when it comes to relationships and I don't like when people interfere in my personal affairs. My relationships with my friends in a private thing. What I do with one friend is not the business of my other friends. And thusly I don't want my friends interfering with the relationships I have with others. You are my friend, but that does not give you the right to meddle in my affairs. I may allow you to enter into my life and advise me but not take over how I conduct myself. My relationships are rocky at this point in my life because life has not be so kind to me lately. Adjusting to college life has been laborious. I have not had the easiest time. The fact of the matter is, I feel empty and worthless. However, I have found people at JMU who have helped fill that void in my life and help me feel better about being here and about myself. But they can never completely fill it as Ethan has. Not even a combination of all of my friends could fill the void in my soul the way Ethan fills. He was able to turn my borken heart into a new one. He guided my lost ship on rocky seas. And I am being criticized because I am unable to cope with the stress of losing an important part of who I am now. I just need love and friendship. So, people can talk all they want about my relationships with my friends, but I won't care. I'm trying my hardest to understand my part in the world and where I fit in. I'm lost and hurting and I don't need gossip and criticism to place a cloud over me. I am not perfect and until now I've tried to be. But I don't want to be perfect anymore. I've given up on that. I just want to be me. The person I am. The person who has been hiding behind a façade for the past 4 years. I always thought that who I was wasn't acceptable to people and so I changed. But now I've realized that I can't live behind a mask. I took it off; I took off the mask and I am showing the true me. A person who is hurting and scared. Someone who's life is empty. Things have not been what I expected them to be since I got here. But all I can do is hope that someday soon things will begin to improve for me. Thanksgiving Break is coming up soon and I get to see Ethan. That is the one thing I need right now. I need to know that he is safe and that through all of this mess I am in, that he still loves me. That's what matters the most.

-Nate

I am having a wonderful day today. I am full of hugs! However, this week has felt rather strange. I have had a loss of appetite and I really can't figure it out. Perhaps it's because I have grown tired of campus food. Perhaps I'm still feeling weird about the stuff that's going on in my life currently. I really don't know. I'm feeling good feelings but weird feelings, if that makes any sense. lol. However, I have been having a good week because I was able to go to counseling and get my emotions out. It really does help to go to counseling. So.....anywho. I hope things will clear up. I hope my appetite returns. OMG!! In 3 weeks I get to come home and SEE MY ETHAN ******** KELLEY!! The best person ever. =D That makes me happy. All kinds of happy. Ok....so that's about it for right now. More to come later. =D

Not really.......ohayoo is just funny if you've seen Yatta! (irrational exuberance.) It's all kinds of fun. So I've been thinking for a while that I want to change my concentration from Russia to Asia when I apply for my major. I know a lot more about Asia and language than I do Russia. Mom told me for right now sign up for required classes and something that's just fun. I love her! =D I have a counseling session today. I'll write about what happened afterwards.

I'm very thankful for my group of friends. If you know my My Space, they are my Top 8, except Ethan, he's just SUPER SPECIAL to my life and I'm always thankful for him. They have guided me through very tough times and I owe them something. Good things will happen this weekend. I know it.

So a lot has happened since my last entry. The opera is FINALLY over except I have to do this stupid dinner theatre thing which i don't have time for honestly. I'm not doing the opera again. Didn't really like it. So after that I went home for fall break. Hurray! The problem was I was afraid I would be unable to see Ethan the entire weekend. Luckily, he was able to go out with me and Nico Friday night for dinner. We went to Bangkok Garden (insert giggle here) and I had food in a FREAKIN' PINEAPPLE!! And then I saw him at Fall Festival at his school and got even more excited! teehee I never realized until that point that my feelings for Ethan are different from any others I've ever had. My feelings for other people were in fact real and legitimate, but these feelings go beyond that. I feel more towards Ethan not just in a romantic way, but an almost spiritual connection to him, as if I was meant to find him. I don't know. It sounds weird and I guess it is because I am weird.
So Fall Break was full of malls and shopping and me complaining about being sick and wanting to see Ethan more (:p) He is my life. =D Had some issues with my mom but things are fine now. So I'm happy. Got back to Juhmoo on Sunday evening. Going home felt weird at first but when I saw the familiar places and people whom I love, I didn't want to leave. My whole existence is in Virginia Beach: my family, my dog (yes, laugh BUT he had surgery so now you feel bad for laughing!...touché!), my friends, my school, and most of all Ethan (yes, I talk about him a lot, so get over it, lol.) However, I must be off to the dreaded class of GHIST 101, which I hate because it's so boring, like your mom. Teehee......I'll bring some Latin work to do because I am going to be a Latin tutor! yay!! So I am off! Bye loves!

Why won't my roomie wake up?

Well, I've decided to get back into the whole LJ thing so here I am!! teehee........

-Nate